How to Eliminate Whining for GOOD
Help!!
How do I deal with a whining child?
How do I eliminate whining?
Many of us are guilty of giving in to what whiny children want just to “shut them up.” Whining is one of the most irritating habits to deal with. Forgive yourself if you’ve succumbed to your child’s whining and given in, but realize that you have reinforced the behavior and now, if it’s become a habit, it’s going to take some time and effort to break it. This will require a 100% commitment as well as patience , persistence and consistency. “I’ve had it with this awful whining and it HAS to stop.” This is the point that many parents need to reach before they are really willing to make the commitment and to taking the steps necessary to change the behavior.
The first step is to figure out WHY the child is whining;
When did the whining begin? What was happening in their lives at the time? What is going on in their lives now that might be contributing to the whining?
There are FOUR basic reasons why children whine:
Read through each of the four reasons with an open mind and decide which you feel may be the cause in your case. It’s important that you suspend judgment here and just be brutally honest with yourself!
1. One or more of your child’s basic NEEDS are not being met.
All children need to feel secure, valued and loved unconditionally. They will feel secure if you are consistent with them, if they know what to expect from you, and if they trust that they will be clothed, sheltered and given adequate food and rest. Children will feel valued if we truly listen to them and treat them with love and respect. Finally, children will know they are loved unconditionally if you reassure them through your thoughts, words and actions, even when they’ve misbehaved, that you love them always, in all ways, and no matter what!
Your children are most likely to whine when they are hungry or tired, or simply because they are not getting the attention they require.
Look for a pattern. What time of day does your child whine most? IF they wake up whining chances are they did not get enough sleep. IF they start up after school or early evening, try to prevent it the next day by giving them a healthy snack before the whining starts, or you may need to eat supper earlier. Perhaps an earlier bedtime will help, although this may not solve the problem in a day. Stick to it for a week. Move your supper time and your bedtime routine up an hour. You will see a difference once your children have had a few nights to “catch up” on lost sleep.
When you ask yourself when the whining started you may realize that it was during a challenging time in your life where it’s possible that you just weren’t able to meet all your child’s needs.
So the whining started because they’re needs weren’t being met and even if things have improved for you now and you are meeting their needs, the whining has become habitual and almost their way of “talking.” Perhaps it started shortly after the death of a loved one, when it was all your could do just to get yourself out of bed. Maybe it was when you or a family member fell ill, or when all your focus was going into saving your marriage (or getting revenge!) after learning of your spouse’s affair. Whatever the reason…it’s okay, forgive yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for looking to resolve the issue NOW! It will take a while for your children to trust that you will always be there and that all their needs will be met; that things are different/ better now. Reassure them and be diligent about meeting all their basic needs.
2. Someone has been reinforcing the whining by giving in or by attending to the child when they whine.
Children will whine for attention - in this case it is usually their basic need to feel valued and loved that is not being met. If this is the case, you must not give them ANY attention whatsoever during the whining session, but you must immediately SHOWER them with attention as SOON as they stop whining and use their “nice voice”–every time!! Then they will learn that the way to GET the attention they are craving is by asking for things politely and by using their NICE voice! But you must be very present and watch for opportunities to shower them with attention and praise whenever they are acting and speaking in an appropriate manner. Ensure you are meeting their need for attention, but in a positive way, because negative attention is still attention and will suffice.
Some parents will reprimand, give time outs, remove privileges and punish their children for whining. Realize that if you choose to PUNISH your children for whining–that IS indeed a form of attention and therefore it may reinforce the whining!!
The law of attractions states that whatever you focus on GROWS and expands. IF you are focusing on the negative behavior it will grow and you will attract even more of it. For example, when you send a child to their room, reprimanding them for the negative behaviour and with the instruction to think about what they’ve done, you are asking them to focus on the negative. Therefore, when you do decide to give a time out–be sure to ask the child to think about about a BETTER way. What will they do NEXT time? This way you are asking them to focus on the positive and preparing them to make a better choice when a similar challenge comes about. They will have rehearsed it in their heads, and hopefully with you. I suggest asking them what they came up with during the time out and then discussing and role playing the BETTER way to respond, so that it comes naturally when faced with a similar situation in the future!! You may even find a way to set up a similar situation so that they can practice and you can reinforce and praise them for dealing with it in such a positive manner. This is what conscious parenting is all about. You are always in control…but sometimes it is important to allow the kids to feel like they have control. Set up a situation where you know your child will excel and feel empowered. This will allow you the opportunity to acknowledge them so that they can feel proud of themselves thus gaining confidence, and fostering their self esteem!
3. Someone in their life is modeling the whining behavior.
Who are the role models they have in their life? How do you act when you are hungry and tired?? Do you or your spouse ever complain or whine? I’m tempted to say that complaining, blaming and making excuses are ALL forms of whining. We really do have a society full of “whiners”; people who play “victim.” No wonder our children have such an issue with responsibility!!
Get real honest with yourself here. Look in the mirror. Ask someone who will give you an honest answer. Do you ever hear me whine? Is there someone in their life that they see as a role model- that does whine frequently? Often our habits are so ingrained into us that we no longer realize we are doing it. Most parents are operating in “auto pilot”. If your children are hearing you, your spouse, older siblings or other role models in their life whine and complain, they are very likely to emulate this behavior. Be on the lookout for this. Listen to yourself. Whether you are whining to your spouse about a coworker, about the children, about how tired and overwhelmed you are….or even when you are venting to a friend on the phone…it all counts. Your children can hear you. Who you are BEING carries more weight with them than anything! You are teaching your children how to behave by showing them how YOU behave everyday. Children are sponges and they will soak up everything!
4. They haven’t learned a better way to express themselves.
Perhaps you are one of those unique individuals who has a high threshold for whining. It really doesn’t bother you (or you pretend it doesn’t), so you haven’t bothered to do anything about it.
It may simply be that this is how your children are choosing to express themselves because they haven’t been taught a better way. It’s become their “normal voice.” In this case, all that may be needed is an adult to show them a better way, and then to give them ample opportunity to practice it so you can reinforce the new behavior. Behaviors that are reinforced and recognized get repeated!
So…Here’s the strategy:
1. Identify WHY the child is whining:
ARE the child’s basic needs being met? Is the child hungry, tired, or looking for attention? Is there someone who has been reinforcing the whining by giving in? Is there a role model in their life who is modeling whining behavior? Is this how they have learned to express themselves, simply because they do not know a better way?
2. Once you identify possible reasons for the whiny behavior, make a plan to eliminate the reasons to whine.
Be sure to get everyone in your family on board with the plan of action. Stick to the plan and remember to be patient but persistent. Your child did not develop into a whiny child overnight and they will not be able to break the habit overnight either. Keep at it and reinforce every little success along the way!
3. Set up opportunities for your child to practice “a better way” and shower your child with praise every time they choose to ask nicely or express themselves appropriately.
Be careful to only focus on positive behavior and see everything your child is doing right!! In fact, if you get discouraged, sit down and make a LIST of everything your child does right and that you appreciate about him! Don’t forget to share it with him or her!!
4. Celebrate!! Take one day at a time and be sure to celebrate even the small successes. I’m proud of you!
**I would love some feedback and to hear about your challenges and successes and suggestions when it comes to whining! Please leave a comment 
