Being a parent is one of the most challenging and rewarding jobs.   Whether you consciously chose to bear children and take it on or whether you became an “accidental parent” - if you find yourself in the parenting role - you are meant to be there.   And, as you’ve probably already figured out….You’re in for a wild ride!

In times of despair and disappointment, parents often find themselves at a loss for what to do.  Making the “right” decisions  when it comes to their children is a primary concern for parents.   Through my parenting and teaching practice, I have found that there are 3 KEY QUESTIONS that can help to guide you as a parent, put your mind at ease or at the very least put things into perspective:

1.  What would LOVE  do now?

This is often the only question you ever really need.  I’ve mentioned it in previous posts and it’s worth mentioning over and over again.  At times when you have no idea what to do, in times when you just don’t feel right about something, or when you are looking for clarity or direction…  Stop and ask yourself:  What would LOVE do now?  And then simply allow the answer to find it’s way to you.  Be open and ready for anything.  The answer may surprise you. 

 Love knows how and when to  ”let go”.  This concept in particular, is the one I find that many parents struggle with– knowing when and how much to LET GO of control.   How much responsibility  should you give them?  When are they ready?  All the dreadful “what ifs” begin to flow into your mind and leave you clinging to control in order to protect your child; to keep them safe from the “big bad world” out there!   Well, staying SAFE - never got anyone anywhere in life.  It’s a good idea to practice letting go practically from the birth of your child.  One important way to do this is to avoid jumping in and rescuing your child from every little mishap or experience that YOU deem could hurt them.

What are some ways that you can practice letting go from a young age?  Letting them cry- to SOME extent - First you must be sure that all their needs are met and that they are not hurt or sick!  Pick them up, touch, cuddle and soothe them - but some parents “plug their children up” with a soother at the first little PEEP and then wonder why they are speech delayed! - Ya, okay…that’s one of my obvious “pet peeves”.   These noises are how they learn to speak, how they express themselves and their need to be “heard”.  Soothers can be great to soothe your infants to sleep for the first few months but after that - when they spit it out - follow their LEAD!   Let them sleep alone in a crib or if it feels more like what love would do - let them sleep in your bed with you.  There are no rules.  There is no right or wrong here - just follow your heart and do what LOVE would do!  Put them down to explore.  Let them taste something new.  Let them down to try crawling, walking and yes even letting them fall, how else will they learn to get themselves up again? (be careful around stairs and sharp furniture, of course!).  It really doesn’t change much as they get older.  Let them walk to school with their friends.  Let them CRY and feel the pain of growing up, lost friendships, broken relationships - too many parents are angered by their childrens’ display of emotions- especially if they are boys - we are tempted to tell them to “suck it up” and to “toughen up”.  That’s a great way to build resentment and walls - emotions are good, healthy and natural - just seek to understand and acknowledge how they are feeling, thinking back to when you were a child, and show compassion, knowing that whatever they are feeling is true for them - whether you think they are overreacting or being ridiculous is of no bearing here.  Be there to talk about how they are feeling; help them label the emotion, ask questions and listen.  Let them sort it out with your full support and understanding.

Make sure that your thoughts, words and actions are all consistent with LOVE, always.

You will learn to catch yourself and ask continually, “is this what love would do?”  If the answer is Yes, you’re golden!

2.  Will this REALLY MATTER when I’m 65?

Here’s a good one for putting things in perspective.  As parents we tend to worry ourselves into a tizzy!  We will FREAK out over LITTLE THINGS.  We are masters at “Sweating the Small Stuff”.   Asking yourself this question will help you to identify all your stuff as large (worth sweating over) or small!  Think about it:  In your parenting practice, what aspects of your parenting WILL matter when you/ and or your child is 65?  Or even NEXT YEAR for that matter!  The spilled milk will not matter, the forgotten homework or missed piano practice….Whereas the abusive language, the poor hygiene, and the poor study habits…just may matter when they’re older.

Before you lose your cool or when you catch yourself getting heated up - stop and ask- Will this matter when I’m 65?  When they’re 65?  Tomorrow??

Here’s a GREAT reminder from the late Richard Carlson himself of how NOT to “Sweat the SMALL STUFF”

3.  What’s the WORST thing that could happen?

Here we go!  Another FINAL question to help put things in perspective.  IF you do let your 6 year old daughter sleep over at a friend’s house, what’s the worst that can happen?  Well…if you don’t know the parents at all…then some pretty awful things COULD happen, so perhaps the wisest decision would be to say NO.  If it’s a family you know and trust, then really…what’s the worst that could happen?  A late night phone call to come and pick her up?  And what if that DOES happen, then what?  Sometimes it’s a good idea to be prepared for the worst, but always, always expect the BEST!!  And let your kids KNOW that you expect the best!  More often than not - YOU WILL GET WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU EXPECT!!

When you learn to ask yourself this question you are bringing up your worst fears enabling you to deal with them ahead of time.  You’ll most often find that your fears are unfounded - you may discover that your fear is all really about YOU, some past negative experience that YOU HAD, and not about your child at all.   Don’t let your past cripple your children.  They’ll have plenty of their own problems to deal with without putting your issues on them as well!

Once you play out the entire “what if” scenario in your head…”What’s the Worst thing that could happen?  And what if that does happen?  Then what?  Then what?”….you’ll be in a much better position to make a wise and loving decision….or to work yourself up into being a complete worry wart by focusing sooo dreadfully much on your fears that you actually CREATE that which you fear most!!  Remember that whatever you focus on most Grows and Expands. This exercise is actually meant to put things in perspective, put your mind at ease, and possibly even cause you to laugh at yourself and the unfounded and sometimes downright ridiculous fears that you hold!  Go back to your childhood…I for one….find it AMAZING what my parents let me do and some of the terrible decisions I made…but thank God they let me go… and fall…and recover… and learn… and grow as a result!  And thank God I am still alive to tell about it! 

As always, Thanks for reading my Blog and I welcome all comments and feedback!!

Jeri

Now is the time to check in with your parenting practices.  Your children are a perfect reflection of you - the good, the bad and the ugly.  Question is…what are you going to do about it? 

What changes do you wish to make in order to BE the parent you wish your Mom/ Dad were to you?  What will you change in order to BE the change you wish to see in your children??

It always starts with awareness, inquiry and self- love.  Loving yourself IS loving your children.  And Loving your children IS loving yourself. How can you love yourself more completely today?  What can you say and do to show your children how much you care?

Make a list of everything you want this year.  What do you want to Have?  Be?  Do?  Go deep!  Now, what is ONE step you can take today toward one item on your list?  How can you BE the Source of it for someone else?

If your kids are old enough, you could have them do the same.  You can all make New Year’s DREAM/Vision boards together.  Be sure to cover all the key areas of your life - Relationships, Family, Business/Finances, Health….Include pictures and affirmations to go with the pictures.  Fast Forward ONE year.  What does a day in your life look like, morning to night, one year from now??  Feel it and get excited as if that day were tomorrow!!!  Celebrate all the progress you’ve made this year and look in the mirror and acknowledge yourself.  Don’t forget to pass on that excitement and radiant SMILE and JOY to everyone around you!!  Remember that loving others is loving yourself and vice versa!!

Happy New Year!!

Do your children LISTEN to you?

Do they respect what you say?

Do they harbor resentment toward you?

Do they argue with what you say?

It’s HOW you say it, more than WHAT you say that matters. 

♥ The secret is to speak from the HEART!! ♥

“I thought I asked to you clean your room!  You are not going out to play until it’s done young lady!”

How effective is this form of communicating what you want?  I’ve tried it…many times…and their rooms are often still a mess days later!  Our children don’t like to be “ordered” to do something any more than we do!  They will resist as long as possible and it often even goes a step farther and they begin to resent you for your constant nattering and ordering them around! This is a very toxic cycle that you will want to do your best to avoid.

“I see that you didn’t get a chance to clean up your room yesterday.  Do you think you could the find some time to get it done before noon today?”

Better?  I’d be more likely to comply.  What do you think?  Doesn’t this one feel like the child has more control?  It almost “feels like” they have a choice as to whether or not to clean their room.  And perception….is everything!

So…Why aren’t your kids listening?

Have they LOST RESPECT for you? If you repeatedly ask them to do things and rarely follow up or give consequences when they don’t do it…it’s easy to lose respect.  They will quickly stop taking you seriously.  Consistency and firmness are essential ingredients in earning respect.  Of course you must give respect to get respect, so be sure to treat them with respect, in order to demonstrate what respectful behavior looks and sounds like.

Do they WANT the negative attention they receive when they don’t comply? Many children are so starving for attention from their parents that they will take it any way they can get it!  Positive or negative will do.  Shower them with the positive kind!

Are they desperately seeking some form of control in their own lives? When children have one or more controlling parents, it is easy for them to feel like they have no say and like no one ever listens to them.  They feel like nothing they do or say is good enough to be acknowledged.  They will FIND a way to feel like they have some sort of control in their own lives….even if it’s just controlling the cleanliness, or lack thereof, in their bedroom–their “space”.   Sometimes they’ll even resort to Anorexia or Bulimia; starving themselves and thinking - “at least you can’t control my body!”

Or, Are they so angry that they are attempting to get revenge and make you “pay” for all the pain that you or someone else, have caused them? This happens when things have gone too far; often when the emotional or physical abuse has cut your child deeply, to the point that they have built up walls around their heart and are now not afraid of being HURT anymore, but are only focused on HURTING others.  Payback!  You may need to seek addition help from a counselor or professional to remedy this situation.

There are many reasons that children don’t listen.  It’s rare that there’s actually a physical problem, although I admit to being tempted at times, to take my child to the doctor and get her hearing checked!

“WHAT….is wrong with you?”  “Are you deaf??”

Be sure to avoid these nasty statements.  They are NOT coming from your heart.

As a general rule, if it’s not coming from a place of love, do not say it! And, in those emotionally charged moments when you slip up and say something nasty….take some time to breath and then by all means, apologize.  No excuses like “it’s just that you make me soooo angry sometimes!” - that negates the apology in short order!!

A real apology involves taking responsibility; telling your child that what you said wasn’t nice, that you did not mean it, and that you should not have said it!  Now, tell them what you SHOULD have said; what you MEANT to say.  Here’s where you speak from your heart.  Try something like, “I feel really frustrated when you do not listen to my repeated requests.  Can you tell me what’s going on and why you haven’t been listening, honey?” Open the lines of communication and now it’s your turn to listen. I mean really LISTEN to what they say- paying attention to the verbal and non-verbal.  Listen from your HEART, not from your head!   Our “heads” tend to interrupt an awful lot and THINK waaaayyy too much!  That is not true listening.

Heart-centered listening gets you OUT of your HEAD, away from the constant chatter and thoughts about what you are going to say next; just waiting for your turn to talk or a “space” in which to interrupt.  Heart centered listening shuts off your head and the chatter and listens from the eyes and ears of your heart.  If you do this with your child, you cannot go wrong, for you are connected to the divine, to your emotional core, and to love :)  Be prepared for a deep, emotional, and heart felt conversation, for this is from where love and compassion flows!

And please remember….you ARE meant to mess up once in a while.  How else are your children going to feel alright about themselves when they inevitably mess up??  How else will your children learn how to recover and how to apologize when they make mistakes?  You are supposed to role model these things for them.  Give yourself a break!

You do not want your children to beat themselves up for every little mistake they make, so you must turn that very same love and compassion onto yourself. This is the best way, in fact it’s the ONLY way to pass that love and compassion on to our precious and deserving children.♥

Do you listen to your kids?

Do you RESPECT what they say?

Do you harbor resentment toward them?

Do you argue with what they say?

Turn it around!  You cannot change your children, but you CAN change yourself.

BE the change you wish to see in your children.  Practice speaking and listening to your child from your HEART.  When you connect with them on a heart level, they will listen, intently!

I’ve discovered the fountain of YOUTH!! I’ve discovered the secret to slowing down the passing of time.

Have you ever noticed how, as adults, it seems that time flies by? Days turn into weeks, months and finally years.  One day we wake up tired and aged, death looming, and wondering what happened?  How did we get here?  What have we accomplished?  And feeling the quiet desperation of leaving a legacy.  Some of us are fortunate enough to have experienced some profound awakening, usually in the form of an immense challenge, a near death experience, the death of a loved one, the birth of a child, our own rebirth….

Our children, on the other hand, cannot wait to grow up, to hit teenage and adult years.  For children, time seems to painstakingly drag on, but only for fleeting moments, when they are not immersed and thoroughly enjoying the present moment!

Have you ever wondered WHY that is??  Why does time seem to whiz by for adults, the older you get the faster it goes, whereas our children experience quite the opposite.  We tell them to slow down, to enjoy life, and to stop being in a hurry to “grow up”.  Hmmm….perhaps we need to take our own advice.  But how to we do that?  Is there a way to slow down the passing of time?

You’ll be happy to know that there is a way.  The secret is presence. The older we get, the more experiences we have, the more memories we build.  Unfortunately that also comes with regrets, and more experiences and memories to dwell upon.  We tend to spend a whole lot of our time, our PRESENT,  DWELLING on the past.  This probably isn’t the best way to spend the precious moments we’ve been given.

The closer we get to the end of our lives, the older we get, the more we tend to worry. We worry about our future, and our retirement.  Will we have enough money?  Will we have accomplished our dreams?  Will our children grow up to be happy and successful?  As if we didn’t have enough of our own stuff to worry about, we actually take on our children’s problems and worries, and that of our friends, our community, even our world.   Of course worry for brief periods of time can be quite functional when it propels you to take action to aide in the prevention of that which you are worried about actually coming to pass, but that’s another article.

We wonder why time seems to go by so quickly. Perhaps it’s because we are not existing within time. We are literally sleep walking through life.  We are not even LIVING - being alive requires giving our energy to the NOW, to the present.  BE and live in the PRESENT.  We are literally MISSING our lives - spending our PRESENT dwelling and worrying.  How sad!

So what can you do to slow down the passing of time??

1.  You can have children.

Children are great beings to learn from–they are fully present.  They live every moment.  They FEEL everything and are completely centered in their hearts; their emotional core.

2.  You can have a near death experience, or get seriously ill.

Illness can be a very effective awakening.  We come to realize our own mortality and are less likely to waste the precious time we have left.

3.  You can participate in a loved one’s near death experience or death.

When a loved one becomes gravely ill or when we lose someone close to us, this also can help us to appreciate all that we have and use our time more wisely.  Unfortunately, this one is often short lived.  It’s very easy to slip back into our sleep state, or some people will use this experience as an excuse to dwell even more….living in the past…when that person was alive, or well.  Or much worse, some people get STUCK in the past when their loved one was ill and or when he/she died and re-live it over and over, usually in an unconscious effort to punish themselves, for being the one still living.  In essence they are more dead than the deceased one.

4.  Finally, and thankfully - there is another way.  Simply PRACTICE being HERE, NOW.

Catch yourself when your mind takes over and bring yourself back to reality - the present is all that exists.  Use your 5 senses to See, Hear, Smell, Taste and Feel all the glorious sensations and wonder that the PRESENT we’ve been gifted has to offer! 

All you want or need is here and now.  Now is all you have.  Now is all there is.

Accept the PRESENT God gave you. Do not insult God any longer with worry - all that shows is that you do not trust God.  Forgive and remember your past - but only for brief moments of learning.  Accept and love what IS!!

LOVE only exists in the PRESENT. In fact, if you think about it, GOD only exists in the PRESENT.  The past is gone - it does not exist but as a memory.  The future is an illusion.  If you wish to find and experience God - you must be present - that is where he resides - in your heart, right NOW.

Here’s a bit of a digression, but well worth the watch - Our perspectives of TIME affect everything!  It poignantly points out the contrast between us and our children’s perspectives on TIME!!  This amazing video clip  touches on why we are often (at home and in our school system, in particular) unable to keep their interest and meet their needs.  It’s an amazing little video clip!  Do take the time to watch.  It’s particularly good for TEACHERS and Educators.  Lots to think about!!  You’ll LOVE it!

WHO would you be without your story?

Put yourself out in the middle of nowhere with only the dingy clothes on your back. You have nothing, no one, no past and no future…only now.  You have no house, no family, no possessions and no friends.  There is only YOU - right now, right here…close your eyes and imagine it.  Now….WHO ARE YOU??

What WORD most represents who you really are??

I am LOVE.

I am Energy.

I am Light.

I am PEACE.

I am God.

I am Creation.

I am Harmony.

Let it all go; your story, your beliefs, your stuff….See and feel who you really are. The method for doing this is to SEE and feel from the perspective of your HEART.

Imagine/ visualize that your heart has eyes, ears and a mouth.   What would it see?  Hear? Feel? And say?  in response to;  Who am I?  and Why am I here?

Now see others through your heart. You can experience the truth of who your spouse is.  Who are your children, really??  Perhaps you’ve never met them before.  Have you met your parents?  your siblings?  Close your eyes - imagine that you are sitting accross from them and frustrated by their “usual behavior”.   Now…release the story…the self talk…your thoughts, and LOOK at them..with soft eyes, through your heart’s eyes - that of love.  Who do you see??  Do you understand them better now?  How much easier is it to show compassion and truly understand them from this new stance?

Check out this enlightened clip from the brilliant Bryon Katie to really begin to wrap your head around all this:

Seek FIRST to understand…to hell with being understood! It’s really not important.  Once you begin to understand and fully accept others - I promise you, you will become a living magnet and have more understanding and compassionate friends than you can fathom!

Schools are a perfect reflection of society.

They mirror the dysfunction in families.  They mirror the dysfunction in Government, and in the the world.  Parents blame schools.  Teachers blame parents.  People blame government, government blames the people.   Bosses blame employees and employees blame the leadership.  And we WONDER why our children have become so irresponsible and disrespectful.  Children are not taking responsibility.  They are constantly pointing fingers at others or at the situation.  It’s never “their fault”, they have an excuse for everything, and nothing is ever good enough; they complain constantly.  Remind you of anyone??

What has happened, we cry,  to the “good old days”??  REALLY?  Is it really that difficult to figure out?

For one thing, the good old days were not so good - those days are what created TODAY’S dysfunction. That “goodness” is what has been passed on from our grandparents, to our parents, to us and now to our children:  The pain, the repression, the belief that we’re never good enough, strong enough, rich enough, smart enough, pretty enough.  They’ve passed on their inability to express emotions or at least the belief that we should not because it’s not appropriate; we hold them in to the point that all that’s left is hurt, which becomes anger, because strangely, anger is more acceptable to express than sorrow (caring! compassion!) and heaven forbid if we expose ourselves to the point of expressing our vulnerability….our love.

Our children are our mirrors.

They are a perfect reflection of our dysfunctional people, families and society.   Think of a school as one big family.  Let’s see…what are some of the problems in families today?

Parents both work.  We are not spending the quality time with our children.  We are too busy.  We worry about money, how big our house is, how nice our clothes are, how we compare to the neighbors,  how many friends we have, and how powerful and important our friends are.

Schools worry about exams.  How well will the kids do?  How will the students’ marks reflect on the school, the teachers and the administration?  Teachers fear the administration coming down on them if their students don’t perform.  Administrators fear the school board….

What if we stopped worrying so much about exams and grades and how well our children are performing and started worrying about our children, our future and whether or not there will even be a future?!

Separation and Divorce are rampant.  Parents are fighting each other.  Parents can’t seem to agree and get on the same page when it comes to how to raise the kids most effectively.  There is no consistency, so children do not know what to expect.  Parents insult and disrespect each other right in front of their kids….

Schools also lack consistency.  From one teacher to the next, children do not know what to expect.  In one classroom they get away with everything, while in another they get in trouble for so much as a whisper.  Teachers criticize other teachers and insult and embarrass kids in front of the whole class.

What if a whole school got on the same page and made consistent rules and consequences in every grade and every class?  What if the children always knew exactly what was expected of them and what the consequence would be every time?

What if the rule was RESPECT and RESPONSIBILITY - among staff and students - always and ALL ways?

What if school staff all started behaving as if every thought, word and action was heard, seen and copied by the children.  What if parents realized the same thing?

So what, really, is the purpose of schooling?

Is it really about learning reading, writing and arithmetic?  About filling our childrens’ heads with knowledge?  About how well students are able to perform on standardized tests?  Or is it about training our children for life;  For a lifetime of Happiness and Success?  To be future leaders?  To save our planet?   Do teachers even know what school is really about?  Here we have all these amazing and caring people, teachers,  spending more time with our children than we do, and sadly they are essentially putting up with daily abuse.  Many of the most loving and compassionate teachers quit because their hearts and bodies simply cannot handle the heartache.  While others, out of necessity,  become hardened drill sergeants, yelling, screaming and abusing our children…perpetuating the problem!

So what will it take to make a shift?

The world ending in 2012?  A little late then, don’t you think?  Some say that 2012 will BE the shift.  We’ll be just scared enough about the end of the world to start to worry about the really important things.  Perhaps that’s what it will take to stop worrying about exams and how well our children compete , about how we “look”, and more about who we are being, about stepping up, summoning our courage and worrying about who our children are becoming.

WE must stop blaming and start to realize that what we see our children becoming IS a perfect reflection of US!!

We must start to BECOME the person we wish our children to become.

As Ghandi stated : “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”  Be the change you wish to see in our children!!

Like I explained in my last post, step one is always awareness…now let’s delve a little deeper…

This is it.  Here’s what’s keeping you stuck.  This is what is preventing you from moving forward in your relationships, family life, work, finances,  level of health and fitness, spiritual enlightenment….and in your life.  We all have it.  We unintentionally pass it down to our children and to our grandchildren.

Chances are…your children are operating from a lot of the same baggage that you are.  It’s all a bunch of LIES!  My intention  is to shed some light on some of the big ones.  I will touch on some of my baggage, where it came from and my journey in moving past it.

Baggage is heavy stuff and if we drag enough of it around, it really can prevent us from moving forward in our lives. It’s not easy to let it go either.  It becomes a part of you, of your identity.  My experience was that when I did finally let some of it go…I immediately felt lighter and free… but soon after,  I felt scared.  I was lost without the bags to hide behind…without the excuses.  I actually ended up picking some of it back up in order to feel more secure.    It’s a process, albeit not an easy one, but nothing worth doing is ever easy, now is it??

It’s up to us to stop the cycle. So let’s wake up and find the biggies, so that we can pulverize them before they have a negative impact on future generations.  They’ve been called limiting beliefs, sunglasses, stuff, baggage…it matters not what you call it…just that you learn to recognize it when it comes up so that you can choose to let it go!!

I’m not important.  I don’t matter.  I don’t make a difference.

A lot of us hold this belief, often from an emotionally or physically abusive relationship in our childhood….

Being an extremely quiet and shy child,  I picked up this belief when my parents and other family members talked over and around me.   In fact, they actually gestured toward me and told others to ignore me, not to “worry about me”.  If they were telling inappropriate jokes they’d reassure people not to worry that I was there because  I wouldn’t “get it” anyway .

You may have listened to your parents fight, or overheard arguments when you were in bed at night.  Perhaps you wondered, “don’t they know I’m here?” Soon you decide that you must not be very important, that you don’t matter.

I’m not good enough

Many of us pick this one up if our parents were constantly correcting us;  correcting our words, actions and behavior, or if they were always coming to our rescue, bailing us out… They may have inadvertently given you the message that they didn’t trust you enough; that you weren’t good enough or smart enough to solve your own problems or to figure things out on your own.

I’m not smart enough.

Here’s another of mine.  I remember overhearing my parents joking to others that I was  “a little dense.”  I was quiet and extremely shy and I often did not laugh at jokes that I thought weren’t funny….but I was teased that I didn’t “get the joke”.

Perhaps a teacher constantly marked up your papers with big red x’s and corrections.  If you struggled in school and were picked on or if you were labeled in school or put in the “dummy class” you could easily have adopted this false belief.

I don’t know enough.

I’m not strong enough.

I’m not attractive enough.

I’m not worthy.

There are many others…and a myriad of ways we could have picked them up.  We KNOW they’re all lies…right??  Well, based on results, we still buy into an awful lot of it…sad, but true.  For now, you would do well to identify your baggage.  Which are the biggies that are holding you back?  Do you know where they came from?  How can you prevent your children from adopting the same beliefs?

When you identify some of your baggage you can get creative about how you plan to release it.  Pick up a couple of big rocks that represent your “baggage” and throw them off a cliff,  write the lies down and burn them, change them to a positive affirmation that you will repeat over and over until you begin to believe it.  For example, instead of “I’m not worthy” , I started repeating:  “I deserve to be loved the way I want.”

Find your baggage, claim your baggage and then let it go.  You and your children deserve to be baggage-free!!

♥ “Each time I see beauty I am reminded that I am beauty. Each moment I love another it is because I am love. I am aware and conscious of how seeing and feeling the good in the outside world brings about my inner connection with who I really am. ” ~ Nick Ralls

♥ “There’s not been a single day in your life when you’ve been anything but magnificent. Every day you move mountains, touch lives, and perform miracles. Every day you’re a success, a hero, and an example. And every day you change the world.” ~ unknown

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You came here looking for advice on how to motivate your kid(s), so here it is.  The first step is always AWARENESS. You must first recognize and appreciate what you have.  See your precious children for who they are and for the amazing gifts that they have brought into your life and into the world.  You must, as your belief in them is the most essential step in motivating them to become all that they can be.

Everyday we encounter children, teens and adults who we can see have incredible potential, but seem to be wasting their life away, settling for so much less than they are capable of, doing just the minimum to “get by”.  I know a few of them, some very personally.  Don’t you just have the urge to reach out and shake these people awake?  and to ask them…”what ON EARTH, are you doing?” Or,  here’s a great question:  “What, IN GOD’S NAME, are you DOING??”  And if they say “nothing”…you say…”Why not?”  If they say “I don’t know” - you say “Don’t you think you’d better figure it out?”  In fact, act as if humanity itself depends on you figuring it out!  What if it does??

So…What is it you are really here for?  How are you meant to be USING your talents, gifts and abilities to be contributing to mankind?  I will tell you this…search and you shall find…and yes, often more than you bargained for.  And once you figure this out for yourself, you are much more highly equipped to assist your children in doing so.  In fact, when you acknowledge and use your own talents, you will begin to see the talent and gifts shining through in all others.

The thing is, you really don’t want to motivate your kids!  Motivation is external.  Motivation fades over time.  You want to inspire your children.  If you believe in them strongly enough, if you show them everyday, in every way; through your thoughts, words and actions, how amazing and gifted they are (be sure to be authentic here and KNOW what their true gifts are) and teach them that they have an important purpose….you can help them to release the negative thought patterns and the emotional energy blocks.  Things will begin to flow–ideas will flow– one after another, and they will become inspired…inspired to do more, to become more, to meet your expectations. Be patient yet persistent.  Your unwavering belief in them will eventually translate into a belief in themselves. That belief in themselves, may just prove to be enough to get them motivated to take action!

What, in God’s name, are YOU doing? Why not Start today!  Show your children what it looks and feels like to USE your gifts in service to humanity.  That is your purpose for being here.  Unfortunately, until you get motivated to discover and live your purpose, it’ll be difficult to inspire others and get them motivated to do the same.

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Help!!

How do I deal with a whining child?

How do I eliminate whining?

Many of us are guilty of giving in to what whiny children want just to “shut them up.” Whining is one of the most irritating habits to deal with.  Forgive yourself if you’ve succumbed to your child’s whining and given in, but realize that you have reinforced the behavior and now, if it’s become a habit, it’s going to take some time and effort to break it.  This will require a 100% commitment as well as patience , persistence and consistency. “I’ve had it with this awful whining and it HAS to stop.”  This is the point that many parents need to reach before they are really willing to make the commitment and to taking the steps necessary to change the behavior.

The first step is to figure out WHY the child is whining;

When did the whining begin?  What was happening in their lives at the time?  What is going on in their lives now that might be contributing to the whining?

There are FOUR basic reasons why children whine:

Read through each of the four reasons with an open mind and decide which you feel may be the cause in your case.  It’s important that you suspend judgment here and just be brutally honest with yourself!

1.  One or more of your child’s basic NEEDS are not being met.

All children need to feel secure, valued and loved unconditionally.  They will feel secure if you are consistent with them, if they know what to expect from you, and if they trust that they will be clothed, sheltered and given adequate food and rest.  Children will feel valued if we truly listen to them and treat them with love and respect.  Finally, children will know they are loved unconditionally if you reassure them through your thoughts, words and actions, even when they’ve misbehaved, that you love them always, in all ways, and no matter what!

Your children are most likely to whine when they are hungry or tired, or simply because they are not getting the attention they require.

Look for a pattern.  What time of day does your child whine most?  IF they wake up whining chances are they did not get enough sleep.  IF they start up after school or early evening, try to prevent it the next day by giving them a healthy snack before the whining starts, or you may need to eat supper earlier.  Perhaps an earlier bedtime will help, although this may not solve the problem in a day.  Stick to it for a week.  Move your supper time and your bedtime routine up an hour.  You will see a difference once your children have had a few nights to “catch up” on lost sleep.

When you ask yourself when the whining started you may realize that it was during a challenging time in your life where it’s possible that you just weren’t able to meet all your child’s needs.

So the whining started because they’re needs weren’t being met and even if things have improved for you now and you are meeting their needs, the whining has become habitual and almost their way of “talking.” Perhaps it started shortly after the death of a loved one, when it was all you could do just to get yourself out of bed.  Maybe it was when you or a family member fell ill, or when all your focus was going into saving your marriage (or getting revenge!) after learning of your spouse’s affair.  Whatever the reason…it’s okay, forgive yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for looking to resolve the issue NOW!  It will take a while for your children to trust that you will always be there and that all their needs will be met; that things are different/ better now.  Reassure them and be diligent about meeting all their basic needs.

2.  Someone has been reinforcing the whining by giving in or by attending to the child when they whine.

Children will whine for attention - in this case it is usually their basic need to feel valued and loved that is not being met.  If this is the case, you must not give them ANY attention whatsoever during the whining session, but you must immediately SHOWER them with attention as SOON as they stop whining and use their “nice voice”–every time!!  Then they will learn that the way to GET the attention they are craving is by asking for things politely and by using their NICE voice!  But you must be very present and watch for opportunities to shower them with attention and praise whenever they are acting and speaking in an appropriate manner.  Ensure you are meeting their need for attention, but in a positive way, because negative attention is still attention and will suffice.

Some parents will reprimand, give time outs, remove privileges and punish their children for whining. Realize that if you choose to PUNISH your children for whining–that IS indeed a form of attention and therefore it may reinforce the whining!!

The law of attractions states that whatever you focus on GROWS and expands.  IF you are focusing on the negative behavior it will grow and you will attract even more of it.  For example, when you send a child to their room, reprimanding them for the negative behaviour and with the instruction to think about what they’ve done, you are asking them to focus on the negative.  Therefore, when you do decide to give a time out–be sure to ask the child to think about about a BETTER way.  What will they do NEXT time?  This way you are asking them to focus on the positive and preparing them to make a better choice when a similar challenge comes about.  They will have rehearsed it in their heads, and hopefully with you.  I suggest asking them what they came up with during the time out and then discussing and role playing the BETTER way to respond, so that it comes naturally when faced with a similar situation in the future!!  You may even find a way to set up a similar situation so that they can practice and you can reinforce and praise them for dealing with it in such a positive manner.  This is what conscious parenting is all about.  You are always in control…but sometimes it is important to allow the kids to feel like they have control.  Set up a situation where you know your child will excel and feel empowered.  This will allow you the opportunity to acknowledge them so that they can feel proud of themselves thus gaining confidence, and fostering their self esteem!

3.  Someone in their life is modeling the whining behavior.

Who are the role models they have in their life?  How do you act when you are hungry and tired??  Do you or your spouse ever complain or whine? I’m tempted to say that complaining, blaming and making excuses are ALL forms of whining.  We really do have a society full of “whiners”;  people who play “victim.”  No wonder our children have such an issue with responsibility!!

Get real honest with yourself here.  Look in the mirror. Ask someone who will give you an honest answer.  Do you ever hear me whine?  Is there someone in their life that they see as a role model- that does whine frequently?  Often our habits are so ingrained into us that we no longer realize we are doing it.  Most parents are operating in “auto pilot”.  If your children are hearing you, your spouse, older siblings or other role models in their life whine and complain, they are very likely to emulate this behavior.  Be on the lookout for this.  Listen to yourself.  Whether you are whining to your spouse about a coworker, about the children, about how tired and overwhelmed you are….or even when you are venting to a friend on the phone…it all counts.  Your children can hear you.  Who you are BEING carries more weight with them than anything!   You are teaching your children how to behave by showing them how YOU behave everyday.  Children are sponges and they will soak up everything!

4.  They haven’t learned a better way to express themselves.

Perhaps you are one of those unique individuals who has a high threshold for whining.  It really doesn’t bother you (or you pretend it doesn’t), so you haven’t bothered to do anything about it. 

It may simply be that this is how your children are choosing to express themselves because they haven’t been taught a better way. It’s become their “normal voice.”  In this case, all that may be needed is an adult to show them a better way, and then to give them ample opportunity to practice it so you can reinforce the new behavior.  Behaviors that are reinforced and recognized get repeated!

So…Here’s the strategy:

1. Identify WHY the child is whining:

ARE the child’s basic needs being met?  Is the child hungry, tired, or looking for attention? Is there someone who has been reinforcing the whining by giving in? Is there a role model in their life who is modeling whining behavior? Is this how they have learned to express themselves, simply because they do not know a better way?

2.  Once you identify possible reasons for the whiny behavior, make a plan to eliminate the reasons to whine.

Be sure to get everyone in your family on board with the plan of action.  Stick to the plan and remember to be patient but persistent.  Your child did not develop into a whiny child overnight and they will not be able to break the habit overnight either.  Keep at it and reinforce every little success along the way!

3.  Set up opportunities for your child to practice “a better way” and shower your child with praise every time they choose to ask nicely or express themselves appropriately.

Be careful to only focus on positive behavior and see everything your child is doing right!!  In fact, if you get discouraged, sit down and make a LIST of everything your child does right and that you appreciate about him!  Don’t forget to share it with him or her!!

4.  Celebrate!!  Take one day at a time and be sure to celebrate even the small successes.  I’m proud of you!

**I would love some feedback and to hear about your challenges and successes and suggestions when it comes to whining! Please leave a comment

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What would love do NOW??!!

If I really love myself and my child…what should I do now??

When you are not sure what to do, this really is the most powerful question and perhaps the only question, you ever need to ask yourself….

Whether you are a parent, unsure what to do in a difficult situation with your children, or whether you are dating, married or in any relationship whatsoever, you really can make better, more loving decisions through asking yourself this question.  If you are unsure what path to take in a difficult situation at work, or with a friend, family member or even a stranger on the street… What would love do?  Which path speaks to your HEART?  Try it!  Ask: “If I really love myself and if I really love this person…what should I do now?”

Before you REACT to a difficult or frustrating situation…STOP…and ASK…Is this what love would do? If not, take a deep breath, and choose to act out of love, rather than re-act out of anger, frustration, resentment, or whatever other emotion you may be feeling.  Perhaps what love would do is take some time to cool off, to think, to go for a walk, whatever it takes to get back into your “heart space”, so that you can calmly and lovingly discuss and resolve the situation.

Just for today…. make everything you think, say, and do…come from a place of love.

If you truly love yourself, and you truly love others, you must SHOW your children what LOVE looks, feels and sounds like:

Are the thoughts you’re holding loving thoughts about yourself and others?

Are the words you speak, coming from your heart?

And finally, are the actions you are taking coming from a place of love?

“In family life, love is the oil that eases friction, the cement that binds closer together, and the music that brings harmony.”
– Eva Burrows

“Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.” - 1 Corinthians 13:4

Love is the question.  Love is the answer.  And love is our reason for being.

Love IS…all there is.

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